Parents,
Let’s take a time out and re-evaluate how we are teaching our kids kindness in all the challenges of 2022. Age of the child is irrelevant as kindness is important every.day.of.their.lives. It costs $0 to be kind, EVERYBODY has the ability to be kind, but it’s lack of is, unfortunately the cause of so much angst and anxiety in our children today, even the big kids. I’m afraid that the demands we’ve allowed into our lives as parents, and sheer lack of making it a priority, has led to a serious neglect of teaching our kids to be kind to one another and being respectful of their teachers and other adults at all times. Regardless of ANY excuse your child may have, legit or not, an unkind heart will NOT serve your child well in life.
Our 4 daughters are the children of high school teacher parents. Mama and Daddy have seen a lot, and it’s the honest truth that we’ve told our kids from the time they were little-bitty, “Don’t be the turd kid.” More than that, it’s always been a top priority to teach our children kindness. Kindness is at the foundation of our faith, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV
Kindness is also a moral truth for most around the world, a key component of Social Contract, and a way of living that allows us all to sleep in peace at night, too. You can have the smartest, most talented, most highly favored child, but if he or she’s a jerk, there’s going to be problems in life. And that will hurt your heart, no matter how grown-up your child may be.
Here are some ways to nurture kindness in your children:
From birth, speak kindness over your children. Tell them, “You are capable and you are kind.” Words are powerful, and we too often use them when we shouldn’t and we don’t use them when we should. I’m telling you, you can’t tell a kid he’s kind every day of his life and end up with a teenager who’s mean as a snake.
Encourage each child to do something kind, just because, for each member of the family periodically. This heart of service grows over time, and these habits should be a part of daily living rather than a bullet point on a checklist. Young children do this naturally (ie: picking ‘flowers’ to give to Mommy, ‘helping’ with chores, etc.). Brag on it! Encourage these habits to continue through adolescence.
Teach your kids to have an eye for the child who is not being included in the group. Invite him or her to join in whatever the activity may be. Adopt the mindset, “I would much rather invite her and have her think, ‘why’d she invite ME,’ than to leave her out and have her feelings hurt.” Teach them fortitude to ‘rejection’ to their extended grace.
Teach your children how to MAKE friends. From the time they can talk and walk, help them meet children at playgrounds and introduce themselves. Continue to actively model this and encourage it through high school. I’m telling you, children (and ADULTS) do not know how to do this well, so they just don’t. Let’s not excuse this away with talk of introvert/extrovert garbage, every successful and happy person needs the skill of making new friends.
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” should be a mantra in our homes and Facebook pages. It is possible to express alternative opinions respectfully, but often times, it’s really not necessary or valuable. The discipline of keeping one’s mouth shut is long lost and it’s up to parents to re-teach it.
Nurture open-mindedness in your children by helping them see another person’s viewpoint or circumstance. When our children have experienced meanness, we’ve often used the phrase, “It’s hard to be __________.” This is our way of opening up the conversation of why the individual may have said such things or acted in a unkind manner. When under fear or stress, people say and do things they’d not otherwise. There’s always an underlying explanation, but there’s never an excuse for meanness.
Hold your kids accountable. When you are asking your kids evening questions like, “How was your day? What did you learn?” also ask “Were you kind to others today?” Help them make things right when needed.
While all of these habits certainly nurture a kind heart, Mom and Dad, we’re not without scrutiny. Kids model what they see, and if our words and actions and FB comments are unkind, well, we’ll see that play out in the next generation, too.
I’ll see you in the drop-off carpool line, as I yell to my daughters, “Just don’t be the turd kid!”